Jason's Story

            My name is Jason and I am an addict and alcoholic.  I get up every morning, bow to my knees to pray for the strength and knowledge of my higher power’s will for me.  I put on a suit and comb my hair, off to make my living and be a part of the world.  This is the life I have now, full of love and friends, family and support.  Those who know me outside of the recovery circles are always quite shocked by the idea of me being anything other than the straight-laced young man I appear to be.
            In April of 2005 I sat in my small apartment in San Francisco, many pounds lighter, sunken cheeks, pallid skin, eating for the first time in some days.  I had found myself at my spiritual end, asking myself how I had again reached this point.  No contact with friends, those relatives who were still willing to speak with me doing so with a look in their eyes of seeing a loved one about to die.  I reached out and through a second-handed referral, heard of Crossroads. 
            I arrived there broken and unsure of what I was doing.  I had given up on recovery 6 months before, deciding that my way of life was better, that relying on others was a weak way to live.  I stood in that courtyard, surrounded by strange faces and stories, yet they were smiling faces with welcoming greetings.  It allayed my fears and I settled into my new, small living space on the second floor. 
            I was instructed by Cory Sanchez, the current director at that time, of my duties and obligations with Crossroads.  It was asked what I was willing to do to stay sober.  “Anything you tell me to.” I replied.  With that philosophy in mind I was working within a short period, had a sponsor and was proceeding along the steps of recovery quickly.  I forged bonds of friendship, learned what it was to rely on a higher power, and to gain self-esteem through estimable actions. 
            Among those I met and befriended, Rich Merkel was most definitely one.  His health had begun to fail by the time I arrived at Crossroads, but he remained present as often has he could.  His words were always true and compassionate; his love of Crossroads is a legacy I still feel today. 
            In July of 2005 I began to push away my program, my new friends in recovery and those gifts given to me in my life.  Within a short time, I had gone back to the life I fought so hard to get away from, running through the streets of Phoenix with no home or money, lamenting that which I had thrown away.  When I found myself walking down the street with nothing to my name, it was a Crossroads resident who stopped, helped me with what he had, and told me how much I was missed and needed. 
            The next day I sucked in what little was left of my pride and came back to that place which I knew would save me if I let it.  Lee Pioske, who had then become the new director, could only ask me why it was that I had gone back to drugs and alcohol.  I knew in my heart it was a fear of getting better, of becoming a responsible and happy man.  I was afraid “to walk shoulder to shoulder, a man amongst men,” as it was once told to me.
            With open arms and hearts I was allowed back in Crossroads, given the opportunity to change my life, figure out what had foiled me before, to truly work the steps and become a “man amongst men.” 
            Starting anew in the program I chose a new sponsor, one whose reputation and profession meant working a program unlike any I had attempted before.  Being rather unhappy with my former step-work, I was instructed to restart my program in earnest.  For the first time I accepted without reservation I am an addict and alcoholic, that my life is unmanageable.  I worked a fearless and thorough fourth step and shed many tears on my fifth step.  I now practice my tenth, eleventh and twelfth steps on a daily basis through daily inventories, prayer and meditation and my work with my sponsee and fellows.  
In my new time at Crossroads I watched my life grow by leaps and bounds.  I have learned the value of helping others through the painful experiences I know and share with them.  I now look forward to my future; I fall asleep with gratitude and awake with a sense of what I can accomplish with my day.  Though I’ve successfully graduated from the Crossroads program, I still maintain strong ties of fellowship with those I’ve met here.
            Today I possess more blessings that can fit into this short letter, more joys, hopes, aspirations and true friends than can be properly expressed.  For the first time in my life I have completed the twelve steps, and now aspire to help others through them.  I have an incredible sponsor, strong relationships with my family, and most importantly a small outlook of the world through God’s eyes with a healthy desire to see more.